Russells Teapot... yea, atheism!

'Stache has this linked in his blog...I shall do likewise. It's good readin'. Click on the comics section and enjoy a good chuckle at Christianity. I always do.

Shhh...

Some secrets are meant to be kept, and some should be released as soon as possible. I hate having regrets, and now I have one less. My very closest friends will understand this, but for the most part, it will be a very private celebration for a long while...

Fine by me. There's plenty of time, and I need a lesson in patience these days.

Room. Room. Room. Room. Room...

Have you ever said a word often enough in a short period of time that it ended up sounding like complete gibberish? I clicked on a link in a friend's email today that was about mysterious brain functions. Most of it was about deja vu and related phenomena, but there was one part that was about brain fatigue and its effects. If you say (and according to the article, write) a simple common word often enough and as quickly as possible, you can turn it into something utterly meaningless. I did that with the word "room" today. Talking about clearing out space in my house left me muttering the word "room" repeatedly to myself this morning and eventually giggling at what a silly word it was.

I promise I am not high.

...

I was thinking of what to do with my soon-to-be-empty rooms. Hey - here's an idea: leave them empty!! That is the most likely scenario, but I am also thinking of putting a vintage typewriter in the one that faces the street. Just a typewriter and some paper. Maybe one of my antique lamps too. It would be an ideal writing room set-up... no distractions, peace and quiet, space. I have started on a journey of Fifty-Five Fiction. Look it up.

Dating is Fun!

Hmm, what a trip dating can be. I had someone ask me out for a (repeat) date recently, and it went pretty well. Funny how two very, very different people can really tickle my fancy in nearly equal manners. For once, I really am getting the sense that everything will work itself out...I really can just chillax already. Not put all my eggs in one basket. I am enlightened and feeling refreshingly calm.

Pinky Swears & Serenity Prayers

Over the next few weeks, I will be doing a major overhaul of my living quarters. I spoke with someone this weekend (he will be affectionately referred to as "RV") that gave me a renewed insight into how material possessions affect our well-being. No, RV is not affiliated with a cult or anything like that. He's just a fascinating man with ambition to spare, and an ability to let go and have faith that things will work out. That's a weakness of mine - letting faith prevail.

But faith is not passive, as I have often found myself thinking. Faith is not being lazy. It is not acting as though you are incapable. It is not letting others decide for you. Rather, it is confidence. It is maintaining confidence in your abilities. It is realizing that you are underestimating yourself. It is knowing that things WILL change...

When I was recovering from being anorexic and subsequently bulimic, I grew to love the Serenity Prayer. At first, I was hesitant to even speak it, simply for the fact that it was a "prayer"...but then my heart grew three sizes, and I realized what it had to offer. A framed print of it hangs in my closet, of all places, today. It's been there for 8 years, and I see it nearly everyday. Sometimes I just see it, literally. Other days I take a moment and let it sink in as I say it under my breath.

I substitute the word "Dog" for the word "God" in the opening line. Awful, I know, but saying "God" does nothing for me personally, so why bother? "Dog" isn't much better, but it fits with the flow of the verses, and it gives me a little grounding perspective. I mean, if a God, why not a Dog?

...


Where was I going with all this?

Right. Overhaul. A purging of the healthiest variety. I love a challenge...

'Stache and I just pinky swore** to manage our messes. He swears that he'll clear his storage unit...as long as I clear 2 of the upstairs rooms in my house. By the end of the month. Our combined levels of procrastination and distractibility should seal our fate. But I refuse to succumb this time! Really. I will be accountable to someone, and that makes all the difference. The last time I flirted with this concept, my BFF, Christmas, stayed in the room the whole time as I cleaned, cheering me on with phrases like, "You don't like that. You don't need that. That's a piece of crap and you know it. Platinum is smart without that toy. You will never glue/sew/display that [insert virtually any broken object here]. You will still be alive when that's in the trashcan outside. Think of all the poor, sad people that don't have any junk for their closets, you are depriving them of this joy." Such an inspiration. I need to record her voice and play it while I clean... I will post 'after' pictures when it is said and done (apparently by April 31st). My pride prevents me from posting 'before' pics. You lucky few who have been gifted with images of my pack-ratty-ness will just have to vouch for me when the time comes. Prepare to be in awe.

**Disclaimer: A pinky swear is null and void if there is no actual pinky skin contact between both parties. 'Stache, take notice.

The Waiters

A big 'thank you' goes out to 'Stache this weekend. He is a pretty amazing guy. Be sure to tell him that to his face if you see him; he LOVES being told how sweet and kind he is! :-) After a great talk last weekend, he inspired me to get back into some volunteer work - and include Platinum in it! She is at a great age to comprehend the value in helping others, to understand how much exists beyond her own world. Her open and outgoing nature makes her a great candidate for serving others in some capacity; which is exactly what we did on Saturday.

Per 'Stache's suggestion, Platinum and I went to a nursing home and delivered balloons. I should have taken my camera along... I had been worried that there would be too much red tape and bureaucracy to wade through before actually being able to implement the plan. Not so. Every place I called was very pleased to hear the idea, and thrilled that we wanted to come by so soon. I called a handful of places in town last week, and we went out on Saturday morning, from about 10:00-12:00. We ended up at one that was centrally located and quite nice. They gave me a list of 15 residents that they knew would most benefit from a surprise visit such as ours. The first few were a little confused about who we were and why we were there. I guess it's not every day that some adorable blond comes in with a handful of colorful helium balloons and asks you what your favorite color is. They kept asking things like "Do you work here? Is it time for my shower? Do I know you?" They were grateful nonetheless, and Platinum was very courteous and patient with them.

...

I know they're adults and all, but honestly, some of them were rather similar to the children I work with. I could tell that their brains were still "them" but their bodies just wouldn't let them act as such. I got a little teary after the first two residents - felt too much like they were simply...

waiting...

...

There were two women near the end of our visit that simply adored Platinum and were just tickled that we were doing this 'just because'. They asked if we would be back again another day, to which I quickly replied "Absolutely!" I meant it. We will definitely be back. Next time, we'll do something less cumbersome than balloons. Perhaps individual flowers, perhaps a story time with Platinum reading aloud to them. We'll think of something, or just consult 'Stache again.



When was the last time you gave of yourself?

The return to innocence...

I-yih HI oh-I-HI eeyih, oh-ahhhh ee, oh-oh ahh-ee, oh HIeeYIH-YAH...


Wow, I can hear the Enigma chant in my head perfectly fine, but it's damn near impossible to spell it out phonetically. Fun time trying though.


This post has nothing to do with that song, and everything to do with my previous post about the oddly-placed sadness I felt while being a proud momma of my very beautiful and very theatrical, Platinum. Here is what the sad feeling was all about...


As a youth, I had eating disorders. It began when I was about 15, and lasted until I was about 20. Unlike what many people believe about the causes/origins of eating disorders, for me it had nothing to do with body image. I was not a number watcher, I did not weigh myself, I cared none whatsoever about my dress size. For me, I just simply stopped eating when I had a bout of depression in childhood that became downright excruciating by the time I was 15. I quit eating, plain and simple. Just up and lost my appetite. Rather than bore you with the details, I will list some statements about that period...



I lost about 40 pounds in the first month.

Nutritionists don't get it.

I can't remember about a year's worth of my life because of my state of starvation.

I have permanently damaged my heart and teeth because of my actions.

Spaghetti-Os were my binge food of choice when I was bulimic - easy in, easy out.

My rock bottom came the day before I finally told my parents a haunting secret.

Overcoming addiction is the second most difficult thing I've faced in my life, right up there behind death of a child.

I am SO over it. The feeling of enjoying food and being free of any eating hang-ups is such a joy.

Daughters of mothers who've had eating disorders have 4 times the chance of developing one themselves...

...

That's what makes me sad. I hate to think of her experiencing the level of despair and suffering that I endured at an early age. Especially since mine had nothing to do with a mother that pushed me to be thin, or social pressures, or any other external shit like that. Depression is tricky, and even more so when it occurs in childhood. Luckily, Platinum does not have any of the factors that contributed to my depression, but still... I know - it is quite pointless to imagine all the "what-ifs", but we all do it. It helps us develop our game plans. And anyone who knows me knows I love a good, detailed plan o' action.

Platinum's outgoing, curious, confident nature is a thing of beauty, and I want it to last forever. Some level of pain is essential for developing coping skills; I will not shelter her from disappointment and sadness. However, I will ensure that she will always, ALWAYS know how I love her so...no matter what she does, or what someone else does to her, my love for her will persist and deepen infinitely.

Woeful Wendy, party of one

Do you ever have the feeling that you just have no idea what you're doing? In the grand scheme... It bugs me to not have a "plan". I like spontaneity, conflict, and a little chaos as much as the next person; but I really crave predictability. I like my life as it is today - my career, my job, my house, my finances, my social circle, my family...but a big component is missing. A relationship with a lover. Let me rephrase that: a steady, reliable relationship with a lover. I have stated in the not-so-distant past that I enjoy single life. I said it, but I lied. I totally love being someone's "other"...someone that I can call anytime, day or night; someone I don't have to impress, because they already think I rock even when I am sans makeup and my hair is a mess; someone that I can plan things with five months from now.

Potential is everywhere. However, the ebb and flow of it all is exhausting. I'm still enjoying it all, make no mistake. Maybe this blog will help me to better accept the opportunities in front of my nose.

I sense that this blog post just might self-destruct sooner than later...Post. Delete. Repeat.

I need an outlet, gotta give my friends a break now and then.