Wow, I can hear the Enigma chant in my head perfectly fine, but it's damn near impossible to spell it out phonetically. Fun time trying though.
This post has nothing to do with that song, and everything to do with my previous post about the oddly-placed sadness I felt while being a proud momma of my very beautiful and very theatrical, Platinum. Here is what the sad feeling was all about...
As a youth, I had eating disorders. It began when I was about 15, and lasted until I was about 20. Unlike what many people believe about the causes/origins of eating disorders, for me it had nothing to do with body image. I was not a number watcher, I did not weigh myself, I cared none whatsoever about my dress size. For me, I just simply stopped eating when I had a bout of depression in childhood that became downright excruciating by the time I was 15. I quit eating, plain and simple. Just up and lost my appetite. Rather than bore you with the details, I will list some statements about that period...
I lost about 40 pounds in the first month.
Nutritionists don't get it.
I can't remember about a year's worth of my life because of my state of starvation.
I have permanently damaged my heart and teeth because of my actions.
Spaghetti-Os were my binge food of choice when I was bulimic - easy in, easy out.
My rock bottom came the day before I finally told my parents a haunting secret.
Overcoming addiction is the second most difficult thing I've faced in my life, right up there behind death of a child.
I am SO over it. The feeling of enjoying food and being free of any eating hang-ups is such a joy.
Daughters of mothers who've had eating disorders have 4 times the chance of developing one themselves...
...
That's what makes me sad. I hate to think of her experiencing the level of despair and suffering that I endured at an early age. Especially since mine had nothing to do with a mother that pushed me to be thin, or social pressures, or any other external shit like that. Depression is tricky, and even more so when it occurs in childhood. Luckily, Platinum does not have any of the factors that contributed to my depression, but still... I know - it is quite pointless to imagine all the "what-ifs", but we all do it. It helps us develop our game plans. And anyone who knows me knows I love a good, detailed plan o' action.
Platinum's outgoing, curious, confident nature is a thing of beauty, and I want it to last forever. Some level of pain is essential for developing coping skills; I will not shelter her from disappointment and sadness. However, I will ensure that she will always, ALWAYS know how I love her so...no matter what she does, or what someone else does to her, my love for her will persist and deepen infinitely.
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